My Apologies….

Since the first symptoms began of my Psoriatic Arthritis I have not been myself and for that I apologise.

To my soul mate I know you didn’t sign up for this, being a full-time carer before we have even reached 30. I am sorry that my body is failing me making even the simplest things hard. I’m sorry that when I am in such extreme pain there is nothing you can do, I know it saddens you to watch the person you love in such agony. I am sorry that sometimes the house isn’t clean or I have fallen behind on the washing and although I know you don’t care about that, I still feel worthless I still hate myself for putting you through such struggles. I’m sorry sometimes it’s all too much and I cannot cope. I’m sorry for having thoughts of giving up. I’m sorry I can’t be stronger. I am sorry the drugs may make me infertile and I will no longer be able to carry your children. I’m sorry I can’t always see the positivity or silver lining and I let the darkness consume me. I’m sorry we have to face this.

To my son I am sorry I can’t always play your favourite games when you want. I’m sorry some days I can’t get dressed or do more than get out of bed. I’m sorry I’m not the Mother I would love to be but know I couldn’t love you more even if I was perfectly healthy. I’m sorry sometimes you have to see me cry or struggle and even see me become frustrated. I’m sorry for the sunny days we spend in hospital waiting rooms or GP surgeries. I’m sorry sometimes I am reluctant to snuggle down on the floor next to your bed to read your bedtime story it’s just so painful to get back up. I’m sorry I may not be well enough to give you a brother or a sister. I’m sorry sometimes the drugs make me so sick we have to change our plans for the day.

To my family I am sorry I can’t be there to support you through your own struggles.I’m sorry that I have to take time out to concentrate on myself and my own journey. I’m sorry I can’t let you in, I just cope better cutting myself off. It’s not that I don’t care about you and your life it’s just sometimes even just breathing is a challenge. I’m sorry if that’s hard to understand and its frustrating. I’m sorry I am letting you down.

To my friends I am sorry I sometimes cancel plans, it’s not that I don’t want to see you it’s just sometimes its too painful. I’m sorry that I hide away and keep my struggles to myself it’s just how I cope. I’m sorry I haven’t always been there for you I know it makes me a bad a friend.

Finally to myself I apologise for being so unforgiving and hard. I’m sorry that your life plan has changed and the future is unclear. I’m sorry you may not get to carry that second child or ever ride a horse again. I’m sorry I can’t change this.

I’m sorry.. Just sorry.